princess*

Thursday, August 24, 2006

i have every reason to be an emo teenager with loads of angst. in fact, today was definitely angsty. but no, i wont allow angst to overtake me. its just not right.

and so here we are, standing at crossorads of our lives. unsure and still deliberating our next step. the only reason for this i figured is that we want certainity in the future, which is why this whole period of mulling. but if we think again, there is never certainity in the future. are we going to run away from it? i have no idea. sometimes, i think i am running away from it. the problem and you. its just so hard to face you after all that has happened. time is needed i guess, after all its able to heal all wounds. and so, it seems we have choosen a path where we both pretend the past never existed and perhaps ignore what we feel. we think its in the best interest for us. but are we sure about it? but then again, if its in your best interest, there is nothing i can do can i? in fact, then i would definitnitely be more than glad to do so. why wouldnt i? afterall, love is meant to be selfless. and so, i shall just look at a distance and try to revert back to the past. its tough but slowly and surely it should be possible.

i hate the way you looked the past few days. you look like crap. i know you have been thinking hard, so have i. but all these thinking has made us strangers. perfect strangers when we walk past each other, not even making eye-contact and i hate the way you look at me. simply because i cannot figure out what it really means.i cant figure if its good or bad. and i think you have something to say but i just dont know why are you holding back. why even bother guarding my sensibilities when we have come thus far? oh well, thats all i have to say.

and then there is you. you who brought betrayal to a whole new level. making my life public to the entire school. i wonder who else is there that you havent told. but i know for sure, that the group of pple we both hang around with definitely knows. but its okay, i shall just take it as a painful lesson. the cost great, but lesson learnt is definitely something i will remember. at least till i graduate from this school. away from you. oh well, but as i always say its still a beautiful world out there. so much more that i can be appreciative of and so smilemellysmile. everything is going to be okay. afterall, God has a plan when he put me through all these doesnt he?

3108 is definitely something to look forward to admist eveything. kettle chips, ben and jerrys, chocolate and candy on the roof, under the starry starry sky. reliving the good old days, where life was much less complicated. perhaps, indeed life is what we make of it. and so, henceforth, i will adopt a positive attitude. and yes, serendipity is still my favourite word.

the song blessed be Your name came to my mind just now. i remember the first time i broke down to it. it was last year in feb or so.that was when i truly understood why i got kicked out of nationals. you see, he took away my sailing, but he gave me crezmun,spimun and gylc.and the timing of it all was perfect. i got in nationals in sept04. i had a short tenure there no doubt, but i had the best and most dedicated coach ever. i made very good friends and it changed my perspective. after i left, there were alot of changes, some good some not so good and i am thankful i was not in the squad as i would have never been able to handle those changes. and 2 weeks after i was kicked out soums and i won best delegation for cezmun. that was the beginning of many journies. gylc and spimun. and these have shaped me in one way or another as well. see, the timing was perfect.=)

and so, it reminds me of what i am going through right now. and yes, You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be your name. at the end of the day, i know i will know why i am going through all these.

and so, smilemellysmile. its a beautiful world out there and its going to be a perfect tonight.

Melissalost in [[fairytale]]-land
6:55 PM