i know collide is a banned song between xinling and i, but i just could not stop listening to it on my way home. oh well.
and my mum used to sing this to me all the time in bed, its my bedtime song. que sara sara. its absolutely beautiful. it shall be my bedtime song for my daughter too and perhaps i will name her sara. haha
When I was just a little girl
asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me
Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera
When I was just a child in school
I asked my teacher what should I try
Should I paint pictures Should I sing songs
This was her wise reply
Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera
When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will there be rainbows day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said
Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera
What will be, will be
Que sera sera...
this song holds a special signigificance. a very special significance. i was in primary 3 when i discovered that there had to be someone who was all powerful.
i will never forget the day when auntie irene turned up in class unexpectedly telling me not to stay back and that she would bring me home right after school cause something has happened to my grandmother. it is the day which i will never forget. a day that changed my life. i thought it was the usual hospitalisations since she was really weak then. when i got home, i saw many shoes outside but thought nothing of it. i walked in and shouted "po-po fan lei lor" (which means grandma, i am home, its a habit i had since young). then i saw my first aunt weeping, and still, it did not strike me.
i thought it was just another hospitalisation. she seemed so infalliable, despite all the frequent trips to the hospital for the past 3 years, she still ate dinner with us everyday, talked to me everyday, asking me about school, knitting sweaters for me, i remember before the beginning of every school year, i loved in when she would sit down next to me and teach me how to wrap my school books in plastic. i got my habit from her. in fact, she had this special technique of doing it such that the corners are doubly-protected with little triangles. a pity i never mastered it. i remember vividly how she would protect me whenever my parents caned me. it was always her that bore the brunt of my mischeviousness.
i walked into her room, and i saw her lying there on her bed, paler than usual, and i thought she was having her afternoon nap. so i thought nothing of it and walked into my room. there, i saw my cousins. all my cousins there. eugene, gabriel and amanda were teary, isaac was in a corner, silent, and ruben, was playing with lego beside the bed. perhaps he was too young to understand what was happening. then, amanda and eugene broke the silence, and said she had passed away. this moment, my mum walked in. i have never seen my mum so sad before and she told me the same thing. i was stunned.
never in my wildest fears would i have expected that. though she had prepared me for my death occasionally, by telling me not to mourn for her and to always be a useful person and also not to be hot-tempered when she was no longer around, i would always skirt around the issue of her death and change the subject. i always thought the promise of her seeing me through my university and watching me get married would materialise. afterall, she once joked with me that she would not attend my wedding should i wed an ang-moh. and that if my husband was unable to converse with her in cantonese, i should not marry him. i also remembered her telling me not to marry off to some far-away land where she would not be able to see me again. i remember my promise saying that when i have my own house, i would save a room for her and not for my parents, she was so pleased to hear that, i remember her telling that to my grand-aunt when she called from hk a few weeks later. only that these promises, hopes and dreams will never materialise.
i started crying. looking back, amanda said i went hysterical that day. then, i remembered the tune of this song and it taught me how to let go. whatever will be will be.
the rest of the day went by in a haze as the caretakers came. i remember at the casket company, the whole family gave me the task of selecting the casket and acceeded to my wishes. despite all these, my second uncle never lost his sense of humour when he said he wanted a metallic pink metal casket for my grandmother and the pastor thought he was serious and said such a casket would cost 30k.
that night, i was unable to sleep and as i walked to the balcony, there i saw my mum weeping. that was the first time i saw my mum so sad, and it was my first time seeing my mum cry.
the nexr few days went by in a haze. i will never forget the send off. how my aunt held me back, how i broke down in school, how i refused to eat, how i refused to sleep. sometimes looking back, i think i was so wilful on purpose.
but since that day, i realised that there had to be someone in control, someone who holds the future though its not for us to see. and i started searching.
i still miss po-po and i hope she is doing fine up there, watching over me.
9 years on, its still not easy. death is something not easy to deal with i guess. i guess it will never be.
